longest day of the year

happy solistice! half way through the year time to pause and ponder the path onto which we have wandered. am i an asshole. i sure i am . . . sometimes. however mostly i pretty good- aware of my feelings and responses. I am happy though because i have been able to spent the past week outside instead of inside an hot and airless greenhouse. I'm in heaven-tired and happy. that's me!

A Confession

I identify completely with your comments about relating to other people, though your statement about being an asshole seems odd. But then, I've missed your calls.... I am also finding it difficult to maintain a balance with people, and not just because I've embarked on a new relationship, though that has certainly affected my time with others. My awareness of life is very contradictory these days, and it has been difficult for me to reach out to the people who are willing to listen, like my friends and family. In my daily life, as I walk down the street, I find I am both compassionate and embittered about other people. I feel strangly alienated and anonimous, then I suddenly realize we are all in this world together and our human connections become apparent. It's really very bittersweeet. But actually, I've beeen isolating myself because I got caught in the green escapism again. Now, I don't think it's really bad to smoke, but it's non-productive to develop an obsession like I have/had. I used it to forget my anxieties about myself -my greatest fear is that I'll never live up to my own expectations- and I used it to fall into the world of the pleasurable body and to imagine I am more of myself (grander) than I am in reality.

Escape, but don't forget to come back again, I tell myself.

What's life in a tent like?

asshole-ish

i am a selfish little bugger and i am a huge asshole sometimes. I do not live my words. I have difficulty with uncertainty and it plays such a big part in my life. I want to live a simple life and i complicate it with unnecessary obstacles to joy. I want to be able to content myself with simple work. I want to be uncomplaining and undaunted in the face of that work. I wnat solitude because i am not very good with people these days. I seem to either go over board with affection and interested or to withdraw extremely. i need to find a balance which seeks to maintain honest connections with people.

I am ruth

I am Ruth.
to laugh and dance these actions i like and i think people would be happier if they would play a little bit more. I think that people would be more interesting and interested in the world if they open up to the idea of freedom.
freedom of the body to love and be love.
freedom of the mind to think.
freedom to speak, to shout and to whisper.
the freedom to say fuck fuck fuck and the freedom to make love
to whomever you choose-regardless of the sexes and genders.
I am Ruth and i think that everyone should have a really comfortable
pair of walking shoes.
everyone should have the chance to sit and watch the sunset and everyone should drink lots of water.
I am ruth.
And life is mad love.
so live it.

reality is as you create it . . .

there is little in my life right now. that's good because then maybe i can toss the nasty shit right out of my head. i want to offer something solid, fun and relevant to myself and whoever else might pass through. . .i'm tired of the bother of too much. . .i no longer want to be distracted by the explosion of information. I want to want just what i have and to know what it is that i have.